More about waiting...

This is copied from an email I wrote to a friend asking about waiting until marriage for a project she is doing...

The point I think you might want to make in your article is that intercourse is one of two things; making love or having sex. The difference between making love and having sex is making love is giving and having sex is taking. When you are having sex you are getting what you want from your partner. When you are making love you have the freedom to give because you are free in knowing that you belong to each other. I'm convinced that you must be married to truly make love because only when you are married can you rest assured that the feeling you have of "I am yours and you are mine" is backed up by much more then just a feeling. It's backed up by a legally binding agreement witnessed by all your loved ones. 

The problem with NOT waiting until marriage is you have already begun a pattern of having sex with your partner instead of making love. Therefore you are already used to and have built up a pattern for it in an unloving way that looks like this:

When women have sex before they are married they justify giving of themselves in some way, but deep down they know that they have inviting abuse of their bodies. They are more likely to do things that they're not truly comfortable with. They have a subconscious or conscious hope of keeping their man since they do know that, even if they feel that way, he is not really their's. On the surface they are just fulfilling a physical desire, but underneath they are building an expectation of being treated wrongly with their partner. 

When men have sex before they are married they get used to women acting the way they did before  marriage in a sort of false sense of vulnerability.  Then once they're married they don't understand where the resentment is coming from and get frustrated that all of the sudden their partner seems more reserved. They also build up a pattern of the "taking" instead of giving aspect. They have not been given the expectation of valuing their partner and are therefore opened up to a whole realm of not valuing women as a whole. This of course is a huge door opener for problems with pornography addiction and so on. 

Rule #10 There is no fear in love.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect fear cast out love," 1 John 4:18

This rule is a cover for all other rules. I've been passionate about love for a long time and even been referred to by others as a "love guru." However, recent events have made that fact seem strangely unbalanced with what has happened to me in my own love life. I feel like I should apologize to those that looked at my love-life as something close to perfection; however, let it be known, there is no such thing.

There is no perfect time, no perfect place, and no perfect person for love to be perfect. And nobody can love perfectly, except God. Even if all the "rules" are followed to the "t". We do our best, and we hope for grace where it's needed and deserved. We also need to give grace where our loved ones fall short. But more importantly, we don't fear because fear makes love impossible. The only way we can continue to believe in a love that is great, is if we have faith in God's love and look towards him for the love we need. And the only way we can believe in a love that is great with a person, is if we "cast out" fear from our minds. Whether that fear is coming from past relationships, the relationships of others, or simply the fear of loving for the first time; those thoughts must be taken captive and then released from our heads. As we get older and more cynical, this only gets more difficult. Yet, I beg you, take a hold of the Holy Spirit and stand for hope, even if you're the last person who does.
Another great verse, "And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us," Romans 5:5

A proper disclosure should be inserted; a lack of fear is not a lack of brains. Still do your best to do it right.

The Dating Rules: Rule #9 See the sea and appreciate the bubble.

Here's one thing you hear a lot of singles say, “there are plenty of fish in the sea," and I don't necessarily dispute. However, there is a balance lesson here. That phrase is usually accompanied by other excuses to stop dating the guy/girl that is otherwise perfectly fine for you. This is a good description of someone who is trying to break free of their bubble. But the bubble is so underestimated. I believe that it's completely possible that someone may be in your life for a reason. It is totally conceivable that God could place someone in your life setting you up for a healthy relationship and happy future together. This person in your path is compatible with you and on the same life-path. They may seem all too close to home, but the fact that they understand "home," live near "home," and have similar beliefs with those at "home" can be a huge plus in the long run. Unfortunately they may get overlooked and under-rated by someone whose heart can’t be settled, (note: huge difference between that and "settling" ). The only way to avoid this loss is to stop running from commitment, and start appreciating the bubble.

       Now, here’s the HUGE difference! Appreciating the bubble is not limiting your possible love interests to those that are convenient and convenient alone. You can appreciate the people who are a constant and significant part of your life, but you cannot see them as the best simply because they are the easiest to get close to. You have to see the sea. No, I don’t mean see the entire sea as potential; however, do open your eyes to the possibility that God has someone out there for you who is worth waiting for. Don’t rush if you already know that it’s really not right. And the worst thing you can do is expect someone to become the person you deserve, instead of knowing you deserve that person to be whole apart from you. Believing alone won’t get the other fish to coincidently pop into your bubble. You need to at least have a window open, if not get your bubble remodeled to include some different areas. For example, never taken a dance class before? Why not now? Stop being so shy that you make you and your bubble turn invisible and no one can ever see you through it.

To restate the point, have a good balance and understanding of the potential in the world around you as well as the potential in the world you’re in. In other words, see the sea and appreciate the bubble. 

Rule #8 Don't Pete and Repeat

Don't Pete and Repeat or Patty and Repeat. This one goes for males and females and especially for my former self, if only. I never even recognized this pattern in me until someone finally said something. (Shout out to good friends like Megan Looney). Even when that pattern was finally revealed, I didn't understand why I had the tendancy to run back to an old flame. I believe the reason for that behavior MUST be known before it's going to get any easier. Have you noticed that you will repeatedly date the same person or few people? Have you found yourself in the arms of someone who's already broken your heart? Clearly, if you find yourself calling whichever x will answer during those late nights, there's an issue of feeling complete in yourself. However, beyond that popular problem in singles, there's something more serious that HAS to be dealt with.

I can't completly describe why or when a "soul tie" is made between friends or lovers, but I know it's a very real thing. Basically this is happening when you make a desicion in your spirit to feel, think, or act like you are one flesh yet you aren't because you aren't married yet. This is when a deep,heart-string,bond is formed. Being or feeling like one flesh isn't simply having sex. That connection can be made even by imagining the two of you in your future. Especially when your future is still very undetermined and that person doesn't deserve those special visions in your mind.

If you've formed a soul tie, you're literally going to have to divorce that person from your heart, spirit, and/or soul. Even if you never physically go back to this person, your memories, your visions, or your mind will torment you potentially forever with thoughts of this person. In fact, I'm convinced that you could have serios trouble finding a good match if you never "get over" this person or these people you are so deeply connected to. And if you do end up in a serious relationship, you'll get sick imaging other person(s) when you know you have someone better right in front of you. 

You're going to have to get real with God on this one. If it seems a little over-spiritualized, I apologize, but I can't suger coat this one. First, ask God to reveal all relationships that would have formed a soul tie. You need to repent for treating this person(s) like a spouse before God blessed him/her as such. In an audible voice, remove the idea of this person(s) by name from yourself in Jesus' name. Accept God's forgiveness and ask for his peace to replace that hole in your heart.You might find that someone's name comes up who seems really detached from you now, but you can't over do it. I know that personally, I never felt all of the bonds that I had formed until years and years afterwards. 

I pray for Christ's freedom over all of you. If you're really having trouble with a broken heart from someone, get someone else involved in praying for you. And you're welcome to make me that person.

Rule #7 The Choice, not The One

Everything will be great once you just find "the one," what an age-old load of nonsense. Is there some sort of cosmic force molding some unsuspecting person into your perfect match? Or some magical power between you and just one other person on earth that enables you to never need to endure anything difficult between each other? Let's try and stop comparing our potential love lives to a disney movie, it's NOT the same. 

I highly recomend being intune with yourself enough to know what kind of person you are compatible with; however, you will never be compatible with someone at all times or agreable on all things. The person you want to end up with, is the one that choses to be with you on all occasions, "through the good times and the bad," and someone you are willing to chose to be with forever. Even if you are convinced you've found someone who is your opposite-sex-self, you and that person will change throughout the rest of your lives. If you didn't change, you wouldn't be growing and learning as we should all be constantly doing. More powerful than compatibilty and more powerful than a feeling is a choice. You can never "fall out of love" if you not leaving it up to chance. 

Love is not a mystical chemistry. Love is a overflow of feelings consisting of things like admiration and affection; but ONLY AS A RESULT of a choice. True love is trusting in the power of your relationship because of the value you have both placed on it through your volnerability, your investment, your ongoing choice. You'll never know the feeling of a real romantic love until you have spent the time chosing that person and witnessed them chose you over and over again. 

Rule #6 Be an acceptor, but not a settler

This one is for the ladies, again. The ladies that have that inborn need to be compassionate 'til the cows come home. Even if it kills us, we look for the good and sometimes completly deny the bad. So how do we protect ourselves and protect that deeply good intentioned characteristic? We must know the difference between accepting a man's faults and settling to a lower standard. 

Knowing the difference between accepting and settling is so important. If the lesson goes unlearned, most women go on 'accepting' until the wedding bells ring and the realize they've just spent years and now the rest of their life settling. And at that point, they're just going to have to learn to accept on a bigger scale than they planed. Unfortunatly, if you allowed yourself to ignore things, than you only have yourself to blame. Swallow your pride and remember that marriage is forever. To save yourself from as much regret as possible, learn the lesson. More importantly, open your eyes. Take a note from someone on the outside. Stop thinking that you are right, so everyone else on earth must be wrong, that's simply insane. Problem is, most people won't tell you if they thing you're settling, so don't be affriad to ask!

So here we go, here's the difference: Accepting is allowing your love to have faults, making no complaints about these faults, and supporting them to change if possible on their own timeline. While settling is allowing yourself to let go of the qualities you know you need and deserve in a man. The more you settle, the more you forget what qualities are on that list. You can spend so much time thinking your accepting that you will actually teach yourself to believe that you aren't worth anything on that forgotten list of incredibly important things. Of course, you do want to know how to make that list as well.

This might help, Your list of qualities in a man should be made up of at least the following things:

1. Not just similar, but EXACTLY the same in ever aspect of spiritual or religious beliefs

2. Similar political beliefs. Not because you care who they vote for, but because these fundamental beliefs will definitely flow over into your everyday lives. 

3. Not someone who completes you, but someone who is complete completely without you. 

4. Someone who wants the same things as you in your futures, and AT THE SAME TIME

5. Someone you are genuinely attracted to, not for a reason, but at first sight. 

6. Add 10-20 more bullet points that describe the inner qualities of someone you believe is compatible with you. 

A good self test to take is to ask yourself these questions:

1. Am I accepting something that is a natural, inborn, quality or am I accepting an undealt with character flaw?

2. Am I accepting something in the earliest of experiences with him that made me ask myself, does he really care for me at all?

3. Am I accepting something that I am covering up with some other unrelated good quality? 

4. Am I justifing his behavior and/or making excuses for him?

5. Am I affraid of not knowing who I am without him?

If you answered "character flaw" or yes to questions 2-5, you are probably settling. 

Hope I didn't crush anyone's heart too much! Hope you all know you are not only worth better than someone you are settling for, but there is someone better! (That is, again, if you're not already married :) )

Rule #5 Save It!

Yes, I'm asking you to do the unheard of and wait to give it up. You need to understand the value in doing this and here's why; if you act on your feelings of affection before you work for them, you get bitter, unripe, fruit. If you work for your feelings of affection before you act on them you get an entire steak dinner for the rest of your life (aka LOVE). Sure within the definition of love there is passion, and chemistry, and even ...sex; however, even with all that,  it's not really love until you've put the effort, time, building of trust, and value in your relationship by waiting. 

If you never learn to do this, you will never learn the amazing feeling real love. Once you've spent the time, built the trust, learned how to CHOSE to love this person even when you've learned everything wrong with them, than you know the value of real love, and the incredible value of your relationship. 

When you "awaken love before the time it pleases" you don't awaken love, you awaken lust. And as passionate and amazing as it may feel, it's not an eternal, committed, and unconditional love. And the wedding is no longer a celebration of how the two of you are about to become on flesh through a life-long, serious, law-binding, public commitment. It's just a show and a dinner for those invited.  

I feel like Dr. Laura, "now go do the right thing" ;)